The mobile is indicating a problem: it’s just gone 5am and the number of missed calls and texts suggests a night crisis has happened, or is still rumbling on.
“Chris mate, I wanted to f#@king spark him out, I wanted to hurt him bad, I was that close to sparking him out…straight punch.”
“I put my f#@king fist through the f#@king wall, the missus (of 16 days) is going fucking mental.”
In my mind, I slip gently into a different persona…I become Bob, the friendly DIY advice helpline guy.
(You may think this a little weird?)
But I’m already several steps ahead; past experience has taught me that within a few hours, I will be making suggestions on how to repair the gaping hole in the plasterboard.
For some reason DIY Bob is Canadian and fortunately just in my head. Obviously I don’t use a silly accent when offering advice…cos that would be weird!
So in at Number 1 and very simple: ‘Hang a picture over that hole!’
Number 2: ‘Hey, turn a negative into a positive and make that void into an Inglenook shelf’
….and so on.
Violence, extreme violence, is truly frightening and when it erupts the power is terrifying.
I have watched ineptly as a man’s body contorts, sinew stretching to snapping point, every awful life experience collectively dragged up into uncontrollable red rage.
A phone hurled downwards, obliterated on the ground; two fast punches delivered by a body that an hour ago was cuddling a chicken, smashing two holes through ridiculously thick timber.
I am always amazed that the body seems to produce extraordinary amounts of fluid. Tears, snot, and spittle in that nano second, not to mention blood, all over the place. Perhaps I am so traumatised by the violence that I try to distract myself by observing the somewhat peripheral wet gungy stuff and then adopting a Canadian nationality?
Generally it’s all over and done with in a flash, quickly followed by remorse and I go to get the first aid kit.
Much the same outcome for our early morning caller, he is busy making up with his missus, Bob is suggesting ‘Hey, why not try this…” and generally being supportive in a lumberjack shirt type of way.
Extreme violence produces extreme distress, for all, including the hole-makers… but calling DIY Bob’s advice line is so, so much better than having to call an ambulance for a victim.